Does Marriage Get Boring?
Men and women expect different answers to that question. Women are curious about how marriage impacts romance, individuality, and spontaneity in relationships. Men are simple creatures. What they really mean is: Fam, are you good with only having one woman your entire life?
Let me speak for the mandem, most men are terrified of spending their entire life with only one woman. The pressure feels immeasurable; only one woman. The idea of one woman is daunting, but commitment is the real fear. I’m not against polygamy (marrying multiple people), but most don’t want the responsibility of polygamy. They like the idea of having their cake and eating it.
Experience has taught me the value of gratitude over lusting after more. The price of gold drops when everyone can access it, the same goes for our hearts. In my teens, I relished the idea of having options when it comes to women, but in maturity, you learn the value of commitment. Variety is appealing, but finding a person you want to trust for your entire life is such a rare occurrence.
My friend asks me if people cheat because they are bored. What can she do to satisfy her husband so he doesn’t stray?
My first instinct is to be defensive; tell her to look out for the ‘good ones,’ beg her to trust love. Yet, I’ve seen years of commitment and sacrifice thrown in the trash by infidelity. There are no ‘good ones,’ no good partners, only good people. Marriage is boring for people who find commitment boring. A man that honors and values his commitment, in every area of his life, has a duty not to cheat himself in the commitment required for marriage. Cheating is not just the act of sleeping with someone else; it’s being content with living a lie, having comfort in deceit and lack of integrity. Outside of sex, it’s betrayal; it’s more about character than choice.
Do you really know the person you are married to? Love makes us blind, we only see what we want to see. We see a partner, not the person. It’s easy to fall in love with fractions of a person, the snippets, the highlights, your favorite memories, and neglect the entire equation. We limit our experience to the relationship. A relationship is volatile, it goes through changes and adjustments, whereas character is consistent. It’s easy to forget the correlation between the person you married and the person the world knows. I’ve seen women jump from the side chick to the main chick seat, only to be surprised when they are replaced by another — sis, that man didn’t become a cheater, you married one.
Also, people change over time, whether we like it or not, because time doesn't care about our egos. For example, a man might base his self-worth on his career success. But if his career progress stops, he may feel the need to reinvent himself, sometimes even sabotaging anything that reminds him of his insecurities. This can make him almost unrecognizable, leaving you wondering, ‘Who TF did I marry?’
They say money doesn’t change a person’s character, it reveals it. Paraphrase it: marriage doesn’t change a person’s character, it reveals it.
Still, it’s easier said than done. My wife shares her private world with me and I am expected to believe her. We all put on masks when we leave the house; we pretend to be brave, confident, or more tolerant. It scares me that one day, I might not be able to distinguish between the two sides of the coin. When we dated, I didn’t focus on my expectations of her. Instead, I focused on the standards she held for herself. I asked myself if I would be content with her just as she was, without trying to change her at all. Marry the one who is revealed to you, don’t neglect the signs or invest hopes in the improvements. Invest in the person who is willing to give you the reality, even if it is less appealing than the fantasy.
Marriage doesn’t bore me because having a space of authenticity, vulnerability, and building a life with someone I trust excites me.
